Coming To Age

24 hit me hard. It was the first time I felt mortal. Realizing that one-day I’ll grow old and die. The first time I question my origin. My first look into the mechanics that make me tick. Forced into introspective by the age that ends my adolescence. My first realization that the love I sought after can only exist in thyself. For love can never be provided to others if self-love is nonexistent.


For years I believed that being loved by a man would be all the self-love I needed. That when its shortcomings became afloat my fantasies would compensate. During my elongated adolescence, my actions have given me the unconditional love I lacked as a child by others.

I’ve frosted my fears and insecurities by distractions I tactically stack. My fantasy world so beautiful and majestic has been stripped away by 24,the year I’m forced into age. My fantasies are no longer fulfilling. Every concluding fantasy I find myself seeping through the cracks of desperation. Wanting more vivid and real results. My mind is lynched on the crucifix of life. Introspective has created harsh judgments about thyself. I’ve only given love just to receive it in return. Never has it been to simply show a friend or significant other affection (There’s always an ulterior motive) ... perhaps this may not be entirely true, Yet, Its main purpose has been to quench my forlorn need to be loved. And yet when received, I question it…I’m distrustful of it. I analyze it. I inspect for flaws and discard it. For it is still so alien to me.

So what am I seeking after, if I don’t appreciate when it’s sought? What do I really feel when someone demonstrates love? Why am I inclined to withdraw when large doses is shown? Why is it so desired but yet not accepted when presented? Why do I judge it when I should just embrace? For all I know are fantasies. When Love’s received, I don’t ever feel like it belongs to me. Love just goes right through me. I am ignorant to it. I fear this will always be the case.

I fringe of never accepting its lasting effects…24 is all I think of. My year of “coming to age.” The only time in my life when I feel like this emptiness is unbearable. The year when I can no longer run to fantasy lane. The year I uncover the mask of my scars and see myself after years of hibernation. I’ve gotten use to the mask, learning how to love its superficiality, delusions, and selfishness. And yet, still despise it.

24 undressed me. I stand alone with this inward transformation. I now understand that I can never love until I start to love myself. Mother has failed to do so, so now I suffer the consequences and remove the conflictions of my past. I look into the mirror and see someone I haven’t bothered listening tofor years.

The Recession Got ME!

It was a mistake to think that happiness could be acquired so easily. I lay in bed thinking of everything that went wrong last week. Everyone keeps telling that I’m making a big deal about THE JOB SITUATION. Perhaps that’s true, but that job signified financial stability for my twenties. Unfortunately, it left me without financial independence. I’m turning twenty-four this Thursday. Septerber 11. I’m aching with joy…

I only have $500 dollar and one months rent. I’ve been refreshing my yahoo e-mail account all day, hoping some craiglister responds to my e-mail. I’m literally a slave to my job search engines. It’s only been a full week since I’ve been unemployed and it’s driving me insane. This is ludicrous!! Why couldn’t that blasted company hire me? Like what da fuck? I busted my ass for two weeks straight and they presume I’m uninterested?? Rubbish I tell you!! UGH.

Excuse me while I pull my hairs…UUGGHRRR.

Okay, I have no choice here. I have to be strong and not lose focus of the bigger picture.

Update

In a weird way, I got what I wanted. I no longer work at my job, and now I have the liberty to work on my book. Isn’t that what I wanted? To be unemployed and enjoy my weekly unemployment checks? To not have to work from 9 to 7 like I use to? To sit around thinking of how my genius plan failed me? To wonder about how close I was of making salary?
I t was all calculated, really.

The plan was to go on vacation and find a new job during the process. Yeah, it was a genius plan! And I did succeed. I found a temp to perm job in a week. I did all I could to get the job. I woke up early, did all that was asked, learned everything relatively fast and performed splendidly like a Becky. Yet, what did I know? No job offer, nothing at all. I returned home empty handed with nothing to fall back on. It’s so irritatingly annoying. They didn’t hire me. Ugh, what am I going to do?

A hopeful future

I obviously didn’t get the Laura Banks assistant position. It was a bit discouraging since I had my job hanging on a thread. I risked losing my job for nothing. I guess the experience was worth something. I got to speak to a successful author for the very first time. Now, moving along…

I’ve had a crazy week. So crazy, I really haven’t had a chance to write. My mother won a lawsuit of 3.5 million. She called me right away to give me the great news. I was shocked! All I could think of was how much my life was about to change. How the doors of opportunity had re-opened their doors to me. I thought about going to an university to major in writing and literature. I held that phone as if I was grasping my hopes and dreams. And like I suspected, she told me how this money would rewrite my future. To take advantage of the money she’ll be giving me. An investment towards my future, I’m so happy to know that I’ll be able to quite this bullshit job and pursue my dreams to becoming a well-rounded writer.

I’m taking two weeks of vacation from work and hopefully will be able to quite before my birthday, September 11. Wish me luck guys.

I’m The PussyCat Bitch, and I can do ANYTHING I want, Dammit!

[Did she just call me out?"]

“Are you trying to get yourself Fired? Come on tell me.” Those are the words that escaped the lips of my boss. I was standing right before her, in this small box she called an office. There was no chair for me to sit, so I stood there, while she looked up at me with that focused stare—Her way of trying to read me, or find a way to make me confess that, yes, I was trying to get myself fired. She knew it, and I KNEW IT, but for the sake of impressions, I said, “ Excuse me? That’s absolutely…crazy.” I bull-shitted. She knew it and so did I. Conceal this truth was pure simplicity. I didn’t need to convince her, because when you took account of how many lateness’s, and call-out’s I have had, you’ll probably have trouble believing anything I said.


“I have a big feeling that you are.” She said as if she was one of those murder case detectives you see in television. “I mean, you’re always late” She wrinkled her face, in efforts to demonstrate how deeply she was in thought. The veins in her head become more pronounce during this intense thinking process. “You call-out ooaaalll the time, and you don’t care. I’ve written you up, the other managers have too, and nothing. You don’t change.” And she was right. I gave two flying fucks for this job.

All I wanted was to get fired and collect my unemployment check while I pursued my freelancing career. Yet. Instead of writing chapters for my novel, I was stuck in that stinking chair all day. Sweating away the time I spent, on lousy estimates, answering stupid telephone inquiries and pretending to enjoy what I do; hiding the nuisance of having to endure these long hours of work, with no financial gain.

Yeah, she was right. Even though everyone gets to work at nine-thirty, my bold-kitty-ass comes in fifteen to ten minutes to ten. I don’t care. I come in when I want to. I call-out and I’m not ashamed to be proud of it. The company doesn’t show any appreciation towards their employees, so why should I show them respect. There have been plenty of times I’ve seen my boss cry because of higher management, and besides, I spend enough time in that hellhole.

“Well, it’s clear to me that you’ve convinced yourself into believing that. So, I guess there’s nothing I can say, since you’re so determined to believing that. I have rent to pay, so if I do decided to leave, it won’t be by getting myself fired. That’s actually kinda funny.” She wasn’t buying it. Neither was I. Those beady eyes of hers, examined me like a surgeon—Inspecting any signs that proved her theory right.

“Look. You don’t have to lie to me. If you want to get fired, just say so, I’ll fire you. Really. I rather have someone who wants to be here, than not wanting to be here.” Oh, that smart bitch. I cared for no deal. As appealing as it sounded, I wasn’t stupid to believe that I can confide in her—admitting to a crime that could prevent me from qualifying for unemployment. If I was gullible perhaps I would have said ‘ Oh-gee, well that makes things easier. Yeah…I did want to get myself fired. Thanks, really, I owe you my summer and upcoming happy-hours. Thanks for firing me. And, please, lets keep this between us. Okay, well thanks again’

Hah, I was offended just thinking of how naïve she thought I was. “Once again, I’m not trying to get myself fired. If it helps, if I do decide to leave, I’ll let you know two weeks in advance. I won’t be disappearing.” I smiled. God, I’m good.( I good chronic-liar that is)

“Well. I’ll try to work with you. Everyone has to be here by nine-thirty, but I’ll make an exception” (FUCK, that’s not the reaction I was aiming for) “ I’ll allow you to get here at nine-forty-five. Please, that’s the latest. I really hope this doesn’t lead to your termination.”

Great! Now, not only is she making it more difficult to get myself fired, she is also being too fucking cool about it—making me feel slightly guilty towards pursuing this genius plan of mine. And being lenient with everything I do. Why, dear lord? Why? I know someone else in my position would be happy for being given a third chance, but we know I’m not deserving of that. Why couldn’t she have toughened up and fired me? Dear God, why?

Like, really, I got interviewed by Laura Banks

I risked my job for an interview with Laura Banks—so worth it. I called out that morning, enduring the screams of my boss as she prohibited me to neglect work. I took a train to White Plains in pursuit of changing my upcoming tomorrows. Sick of monotony, I gambled with my three of spades and made my play. I walked in the Ritz Carlton Hotel–Astounded of its elegance, I immediately hid the Mc Donald’s bag as I walked in. The doorman escorted me to the seating area. Everything was so beautifully placed, I feared of smudging or misplacing things. I sat there, twenty minutes early for my interview; thinking of nothing but the heat.


Minutes later, a tall female arrived, she seemed close to my age. We smiled. Then, we immediately dissolved into our own thoughts. She sat there, before me, crossing her full legs, while glancing at me as I pretended not to notice. Then, in between thoughts, Laura Banks walked in beaming away, saying her ‘Hello’s’ and eventually telling the brunette to ‘come this way’ I waved after them, hiding my choking retardation of being in the presence of a celebrity author.

As I sat there, I tried calming myself.
I thought about how I’d risked my job to come here,
how hungry I was, and how I wasn’t going to allow myself to get in the way of myself.

My bottom sat firmly on that chair, as I asked the universe to grant me this wish—That goddam assistant job! As my clock turned to twelve-fifteen, the brunette walked out smiling at me…wishing me good-luck, and then saying something about going down the hall. I thanked her, and for a second, as she tried striking conversation I thought about all the reality shows I’ve seen, when contestants asserted their selves into these Alfa-biches, rerunning “ I’m not here to make friends! This is a competition” and suddenly, I understood them. I clearly saw, why they’d proudly rejoiced this statement.

“Good-luck” The brunette said again, patting my shoulder. I got off the chair, and found a hard time wishing it back. For god’s-sake, I needed every ounce of luck I could get! I wasn’t trying to wish luck towards my competitor. Heck no. “ Be a good sport” my mom would say, but for what? I play hard.

Yet, my toughness washed off when I walked into the room where Laura Banks sat. Then, I felt all mushy inside. I turned into this over-emotional lunatic. We shook hands and she asked, “ What are some of your goals” I poured my heart out. I told her how much I wanted to be a published novelist and pursue freelance writing. I had never expressed myself with such fervor. I nearly cried as I expressed the thoughts within. My feelings splurged into the walls like paint, all thick and bright, like Picasso splashing green, and blue emotions into his canvas. I was the artist in this interview, I felt overwhelmed of how much passion my words poses. She stared with awe. Emotions flowed so easily, my heart sunk into a frenzy I could not explain.

MONOTONY

The word ‘Monotony’ how does it relate to your life? Do the two of you coexist? Is it relevant or irrelevant? Many are slaves to this word. Perceived as societies batteries—the nine to fivers, working strictly for Con Ed and Rent—those who engage in long hour shifts, with paychecks non-reflective of their work. And yet, we have those working bees that tackled their daily job obligations with complaints, lashing-out at the undeserved. Hour after hour, these shifts drag throughout the day, having Batteries resent theirs life’s choices.

How many times do you reset your alarm, before getting ready for work? How often do you dread going to work during the week? Are Mondays and Tuesdays the most stressful? Do you count the days of the week to feel ease? Do you take your lunch late, to have a few hours left of work? Do you think of work on Sundays, feeling depressed of the long upcoming week? Do you call-out frequently? Tell me, do any of these questions apply? Do you ask yourself: “when did I start feeling stuck? Is there anything I can do about it?”

Ask yourself: What skills do you have? What would you rather be doing? Are you ready to take control and stop letting life control you?

Nobody wants to end up being a battery. Disposable, just like the next man in your cubical. Being overworked with no pay. Obeying by a set schedule that prevents little or no leisure time. Quite honestly, everyone has a choice. Circumstances or not, we have the power to turn things around and make a better living for ourselves. Why should we settle? Life’s too short to waste in a company or employer who doesn’t appreciate the remarkable person you are.

You need to look deep inside and push the potential you possess. You need to stand erect and stop procrastinating. We have the necessary strength to will good things to us. Let’s start, shall we? No more self-pity or doubt. A good attitude attracts good energy source. A negative attitude attracts bad energy. Why do that to yourself? You want a continuum of good energy; it helps you channel your potential more effectively. Perhaps educating yourself with energy channeling could be favorable, read the Secret by Rhonda Byrne, it’s a self-help book on the laws of attraction, its thesis on how one’s thoughts are like magnets to the universe. Let’s be positive about this pursuit of happiness. Remember, “Happiness is a journey not a destination” [Souza]


I recall a friend saying: Everything you need is laid out for you. Kind of like a board game. All your playing pieces are there, the dice, your cards, your own multicolored path; you just need to work with what you have. Everything is there, pending for your next move. All you need is a good game play.


Learn to live life like it’s your last day—no regrets. The truth is, we all have insecurities and fears that halt any movement to the unknown. Our safety zone is there when we need to retreat. Not to stunt our growth. Stepping out of your comfort zone is the key to personal growth, challenging yourself and slowly blossoming into the person you always wanted to be. Nothing is handed to use, so prepare to work towards your goal. Laziness has haltered many lives; don’t let this emotion misdirect your life. You’re much more than that. It’s your choice, being lazy and working for a job you dislike, or pushing yourself to your full potential and doing something fruitful and rewarding. Think about it, your happiness is worth investing on.

Be resistant to failure, its inevitable. Lessons are learned through mistakes so learn to deal with temporary failure. If your one with talent, take on an activities that feed your creative muscle, research your field, focus on the steps needed to grasp your goals. You have a lot to offer, so stop cutting yourself short and LIVE. Stop with these tired-down excuses, the stories are getting pretty old. Embrace change!

Helpful Internal Tips

1. Write down a plan for yourself. It will help organize your ideas and give you a clearer perspective to embark upon your goals
2. Try reading motivational books, newspaper clippings, watching a Television series regarding stress and people you can relate to. It’s always confronting knowing you’re not alone.
3. Exercise. If you’re feeling low on energy, exercising it a great energy boost.
4. Talk to a friend, or anyone who will encourage you and give informative insight
5. Sometimes the cause of depression due to our environment. Clean your room or apartment if it’s dirty. Once cleaned, you’ll notice a major difference in energy. Pay attention to the energy and your feelings afterwards.
6. Write down daily goals for yourself, and try doing at least four out of five. Before you know it, you’ll be closer to your goals.
7. If you struggle with procrastination, try acting upon thoughts sporadically. It will eliminate over-thinking.
8. Place a rubber-band on your wrist. Pull it when negative thinking occurs. This technical will help deflate negative thinking.
9. Remember, when at work; keep in mind that your job does not define you.
10. Tell friends and family of your ideas, it’s encouraging to get advice and words of advice from others, perhaps this can lead networking.

And remember; indulge in your passion and the sweet nectars of life’s lessons.